Monday, 22 June 2009

• More Memories...

       I've been remembering even more random things lately.  Some of it is soooo completely random that I don't understand why I'm even remembering them, but others are really helping me understand some things.  There was this one that popped into my head last week that is really confusing me.  I was in bed, I'm not sure if I was partially dreaming, but I remembered a certain time so clearly that I felt like I could have been there.  I have never ever thought about that day in my entire life.  It was so strange and it felt like there was something or is something there that will make sense.  But something is blocked and it's driving me insane.  It was a church I went to when I was younger.  I was around the age of 7 or 8.  It was a nursery....I'm not even sure why I was in there.  I clearly remember coloring something and also talking about something, something that I can't remember, and it seems like it's important.  I also remember walking out of the nursery, going outside, and being met by some of the older kids.  I remember them talking or something.  I don't even know.  I can see it so clearly.  It's so weird because up until that night I had completely forgotten about the nursery, which is understandable seeing as I was too old to be in there.  I was in another class that met in the main church building.

       I also remembered something just a few moments ago, which is why I'm writing.  Well, it's one of the reasons.  I remember being in church for a conference.  I was around 16ish.  I seriously have never even thought about this since then.  Not surprising though.  The lack of nutrients in my brain didn't help anything.  The man that was speaking had a few words for people. Suddenly he stopped and said, "There's someone here who looked in the mirror this morning and said, "I hate you."  You have even considered suicide."  He asked the person to come forward because God wanted to heal them.  I looked around.  No one moved.  No one moved because it was me and I wasn't moving anywhere.  I was too scared.  That has happened to me so many times.  I feel like I've turned down so many chances of getting the inner healing I need.  It would have been so much better if this all wouldn't have been allowed to grow and become whatever it is now.  So much of my past is such a haze.  I hate that most of what I can remember has to do with exercising and dieting and such.  I remember a lot of words though.  I wish I could forget all of those!

      Father's Day.  I didn't celebrate with my dad.  I can barely talk to him.  It hurts too much.  I try to look past the other stuff, but I don't know how.  Last time I let down my guard......well, let's just say I decided to put up a wall around me, so that I can't be hurt by him anymore.  Unfortunately, it never helped get rid of the hurt or keep more from forming.  I didn't even say Happy Father's Day to him.  I have a hard time being in the same room as him, let alone having to talk to him.  The last time we actually had a conversation, other than just a couple words, was back in December or maybe farther back.  All I know is that we were waiting in a restaurant to pick up something.  What was the conversation about?  Him.  He told me all about how great he is at his job, which I hear about nonstop all the time every single day.  He did all the talking.  This is what hurts the most.  He doesn't know me at all.  I used to try to get his attention.  I tried hard.  But still, he would never be able to tell you what I want to do with my life, he barely knows anything about my life in general, he doesn't know who my friends are, he doesn't know how fucking hard it's been since we've moved (especially).  He didn't seem to care much when he was about to leave a couple years ago.  He didn't seem to care when he said that if he left we would never see or hear from him ever again.  How about when I tried to have a relationship with him and then he would yell at me randomly for no real reason?  How about when I wanted to hang around him but he chose spending more time at work instead?  Sorry...I'll stop complaining.  It just hurts a lot and I'm really angry about it all....if you can't tell.

       I'm rambling.  I don't want to sleep and I don't want to be awake.  I feel like I just got shot in the head.  Dehydration...no doubt. 

       I don't even know why I wrote all of that.  But who cares since it kept my fingers busy typing.  I think I'm going to actually attempt to go to sleep and hope to God I can sleep all day.  I don't want to wake up in a couple hours.  I only want to wake up if I get a certain phone call.

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