Friday, 26 June 2009

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    Innocence & Instinct
    By Red
    Death Of Me
    see related

    My Mind Is Slightly Lost And Confused

         There are so many things going on in my mind right now.  Too much.  It's been a REALLY long day.  First of all, I have something slightly stressing me out.  My older sister's boyfriend left her and my nephew for like the fifth time, and she is going to end up moving back in with us.  That's stressful because it's going to be extremely crowded and I'm already hiding out in my room most of the time as it is.  That is not healthy and I need to not be in there more than I am currently. 

         As I mentioned last night, I was flipping out over the check in I had with Mercy today.  They didn't call me early this time.  This is how it works:  I call the night before, leave a message, and they always call around 8 or 9am.  They didn't call until past 2pm this time and I was freaking out because I thought they somehow didn't get my message or something like that.  And I was supposed to go out and I couldn't leave the house until they called because I couldn't miss the call or I'd have to wait until Monday, and that would not be good.  The call was a lot longer than the past ones.  We talked so much.  I have too much to think about now.  But it was good.  Talking about how I'm really doing helps me see things a little more clearly.  I mean, this morning, before they called, I was in a "I don't need to go to Mercy!!" mood.  But when I talk to someone about what's going on, what's really going on, it helps me remember that I DO need to go.  We talked a lot about eating, which is easier to talk about than actually live out.  She said I really need to try working up to three meals a day, if I can, even extremely small meals would be good.  Just so my body doesn't go through shock when I get there and am expected to start eating.  She also said it would be good if I tried to eventually get my body used to meat again.  That scares the crap out of me.  Honestly.  She said they don't expect me to be healed of this when I get there, but that for the sake of my body it would be good to at least try something.  We also talked about accountability, which I don't really have, and I don't even want my mom to have to fill that role.  I can't even talk to anyone in my family about food without flipping out.  I kind of have anger issues (huge understatement), and I don't let it out on anyone but myself.  It makes everything worse.  I don't even know. 

         Things I need to work on:  Not purging my food goals anymore.....because that obviously destroys the purpose!!  I also need to actually try to make good ones, and when I do I need to be consistent and not restrict completely the next day like usual.  Apparently I'm more likely to get in sooner if I'm actually trying to be ready for the program.  They don't want you to be "sick enough".  "Sick enough" is too sick to get in, and that's something that I'm trying to grasp.

         Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. I just want to be able to have a meal and not think about the calories and not feel gross and not even think of it as anything other than a normal part of life.  Seriously.  I can't live like this anymore.  And I HATE stupid thoughts that make me feel like I'm failing life for eating?  In reality not eating is the negative thing?  Ed is so freaking retarded.  To put it lightly. 

       

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