Sunday, 28 June 2009

• Currently Meiko By Meiko see related

  This Is Even Harder Than I Thought It Would Be

  As far as setting food goals....... 

  Oh my gosh.  I. F.A.I.L.

  I seriously just stood in my kitchen for a half hour or longer.  Yesterday, well, I did the complete opposite that I was supposed to.  I didn't eat at all.  I was supposed to at least try to eat something.  I stayed up all night.  I didn't want to.  I couldn't sleep.  I ended up getting some motivation, from out of nowhere, to try eating something this morning.  But I don't even know what to eat.  And the fact that I can't purge my "goals" makes it so much more difficult for me.  I officially suck at this.  lol.....I unintentionally settled with a pickle.  A pickle?  Really.  WTF.  Uhhhmmmm....5 calories is not enough?  I kind of need to have more than that?  I mean, I'm not supposed to be fanning the flame of my ed.  I NEED to be able to go to Mercy.  Ahhh.  I don't know what to do.  And I only have certain time slots where I allow myself to even go in the kitchen, since I have the issues with my family seeing me eat.  I wish I didn't.  I shouldn't.  When my oldest sister moves in with us I will most likely never eat, unless some miracle happens.  Heads turn when I walk into the kitchen, and I'm only in there during the day for coffee or for something else to drink.  I hate that.  I want them to not react to my every move.  I half wish, no I completely wish they didn't even know I have an ed.  So, my time slots are before everyone wakes up and after everyone goes to bed.  That makes everything even more difficult.  But it's better that way.  Since, as I've mentioned, I flip out whenever I even try to talk about eating with anyone.  Not even my mom.  It makes me feel out of control.  I don't know how I'm going to do this.  I wish I could move out with someone else for awhile.  I feel like it would be easier if it was someone other than family helping me. 

  I need to figure out what I should eat.  That's something that is very necessary for any of this to get anywhere.  I'm going to have to push myself, even if the item isn't on my safe list, which I realized this morning is pretty much everything at the moment.  *screams*  And I'm not mentally stable enough to go and get a dietician.  I know I can't handle that right now.  The person from intake I talked to on Friday agreed with me on that one.  If I had more support or at least a therapist, it would be a better idea, but not in this current situation.  So far I am not getting anywhere again today.  I'm tired and in pain, and I still can't fall asleep.  And my parents just woke up.  Wonderful. :(

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